If I am honestly going to write my raw and unfiltered thoughts, then I have to be real and write on days like today. Today I woke up with my sweet little Gwen. I did my morning readings and then headed out the door. We were off to go thrifting and shopping at a few different places before my doctor appointment. It has been a gloomy day here and I think that has played into my mood. I love a good rainy day, but today I needed some light and sunshine.
As most people know, I am pregnant. I am in that second trimester phase where everything is beginning to fit funky and it was like an overnight change. I have events coming up and that calls for the hunt for dresses. This pregnancy has been a lot different from G’s. With her I did not show until around 26-28 weeks. This pregnancy I feel like my bump grew the second the test said “Pregnant.” Growing a baby is a true gift. I have been fortunate enough to grow two of them. This is by no means something I take lightly.
Although I am able to celebrate this gift of life, there are obstacles I have had to overcome. Throughout my entire first pregnancy, I was closely monitored by a group of doctors. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, I knew pregnancy would come with its challenges (I will refer to my eating disorder as “ED”). I spent the entire pregnancy and postpartum talking with a psychiatrist. He was in charge of my team and how they cared for me throughout this time. I stumbled through many ups and downs. The lack of control I had for my body was ED’s worst nightmare. Seeing changes and clothes fit tighter was scary and not only that, but anticipating those changes haunted me.
My first pregnancy taught me a lot about surrendering that control. I slowly began to embrace the bump, but I still had my moments. After finding out I was having a little girl, I understood the weight of my responsibility as her mother. I wanted nothing more than to raise a girl that was proud and confident with every inch of her body. How was I going to do that? Honestly, I still am not sure. That is where I am thankful to have a community of people loving my daughter. Being a girl mom has continued to expose opportunities to grow every direction I turn.
ONE YEAR LATER: MARCH 2020
Here I am, sitting and reading over all these thoughts while both my girls are close by. Remi is now six months old and if I am honest, I am not completely free of those negative thoughts. I think now I get more frustrated with myself than anything, but those thoughts keep me working. I never have the chance to get complacent in this journey because I have these two little girls to remind me of the importance of continuing to fight. I hope one day I can tell them how much they actually took care of me, while they thought it was only me taking care of them.