Anxiety. It’s my plague. The symptoms are crippling and the cure is unknown. I sit here and type this in the midst of what I call a three day episode. For three days I have been drained, emotionally and physically. Some might say this is dramatic, but this is where I am. It has been a long time since I have been in this place, it is just as bad as I remember, but I recognize where I stand and that is the first step of the process.
My closest friend and family know my triggers. They know the things that can quickly get me into this head space. They have seen me in these times and understand the situation even if they cannot relate. They keep me going. If it were up to me, I would not leave my room. The massive lump in my throat makes me want to just sleep it all away.
My anxiety makes me a believer of lies. My worth and value seem to disappear into thin air and I am left feeling empty. After years of treatment, I am thankful for the ways I can lessen some of the side effects. I know talking things through and filling myself up with truths is the best way to combat these feelings. Over the past three days, I have spent time doing these things. I have made an effort to get myself up and out. It has been a long time since I have been set back like this. Old wounds have been torn open and I am left frantically bandaging.
Right now I feel in the dark. I am searching for a light at the end of what seems like a never ending tunnel. I feel strapped down and a slave to these feelings. I have sat and watched over the past two days as life has just passed me by. I have watched my husband go above and beyond to serve me and our household, but why can I not get up? The moments with my daughter and husband are glimmers of hope. I do not know what this would look like if they were not picking me back up after every fall.
I want to escape. I want to avoid the hurt, but is that even possible? Will avoiding this ever provide healing in my heart, or will it just be an everlasting dark place that resurfaces every once in a while. I am not sure? I know this is not good. I know this is not what is desired for me. I know I want freedom.
These triggers I have seem to be similar to the horcruxes in Harry Potter. Every time I am hurt, a part of me enters that moment or memory. Something is taken. Anytime that moment or memory or hurt resurfaces, the anxiety kicks in. In order for those triggers to go away, they have to be destroyed. What exactly does that mean? Maybe it means forgiveness? Maybe it means stepping away from a toxic situation? Maybe it will take years of practice before it can be resolved.
I know I am not alone in this battle. I have people who are willing to play for my team and fight this with me. That is another positive thought. If I keep these pouring in, I know it can be overcome.